Friday, August 29, 2008

The Monster Has Arrived

Wow. What an escape from the norm this evening has been. My moon cycle has a unique tendency to trick me and transform me into a crazy monster, a raging beast, an angry human looking to bring her sword to battle as soon as a possible situation presents itself. Well the situation presented itself and my partner ended up being the dragon I was attacking and wishing to slay, fast and furiously.

Man, its crazy how the chemistry in our feminine bodies gets out of whack, how the brain and body and hormones combine to make the 'angry stew' I will call it. It was bad. I felt the lump in my throat, my chest collapsing and closing, my mind feeling like sludge and not being able to control my breath-the only think I know that when controlled, I can remain calm and collected.

Needless to say it did not happen. I failed at controlling the beast, the monster being created second by second in my body and persuading me to fight and to fail and to flee.

I was sorry, I needed to escape at that moment, I freaked out hardcore and it was bad. It did not feel real, authentic, or truly honest. I was actually taken over by the darkside I guess you could say and it was not fun.

This isn't the first time, I must say. Its quite sad actually. To know it comes on so fast-first the tiredness, back pain, chocolate cravings, moodiness, and sometimes insomnia a few days before. I ignore my needs-water, exercise, rest. Its like Duh, come on now, do what is smart and simple and you will be fine.

I struggle to control my internal monster and I must accept that. Its okay I tell myself. Just listen to the body, my body. Its when we have true body awareness, we can change within.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Sabbatical You Might Call it...

Wow. My last post was at the end of April and now, what can I say, it's August, actually a week until September. So much has happened, new transitions, new environments, new social interactions and just a bunch of learning lessons and life lessons in general. I first want to talk about a book I finished reading about two weeks ago: The Alchemist. All I can say is go get it at a library or find a dog-eared copy at the used bookstore and I can guarantee you a friend of yours probably owns it and its sitting on a book cube somewhere or under the seat of their car waiting for you. Yes, waiting for you. The basic premise is that we have a life purpose and we must do whatever it takes to fulfill that life purpose and in doing so, we will encounter obstacles along the way, whether it be money troubles, inner conflicts, jobs we don't like, or the big idea of doubt eating away at us. The story is enlightening and timeless and yes, go pick it up right NOW.

I have been in question with my life purpose and have started asking deeper questions: Why am I here? What should I really be doing right now? Why do I waste time being grumpy and thinking about the past and anticipating the future? I want to start a yoga studio, I want to work with young girls and women and create some life-changing transformational events for them, I want to live in the mountains and swim naked in Alpine Lakes, play in the snow, and ride my bike to the store and not have to lock my doors.

Since April, my partner has moved to Seattle, I have moved into a new apartment and neighborhood, traveled a bunch for work, spent time with extended family in Pennsylvania, had an amazing vacation here in Seattle with my cousin and her awesome friend who flew out from Pennsylvania, I have learned that burnout from work is not fun, I have treaded water in my flooding emotions and anger and learned that resting is a true art and it must be mastered in order for true survival.

I encourage that you embrace the seasonal transition and rest as you embark on your fall activities. Perhaps you are wrapping up an amazing summer and transitioning back to school as a teacher or you are an outdoor guide and the busy season has ended a new job is in store for you. Be excited about the changes. They exist all around us right now. Be present and appreciative of where you are right now.

"Love is when you can truly listen to your heart" -The Alchemist