Friday, August 29, 2008

The Monster Has Arrived

Wow. What an escape from the norm this evening has been. My moon cycle has a unique tendency to trick me and transform me into a crazy monster, a raging beast, an angry human looking to bring her sword to battle as soon as a possible situation presents itself. Well the situation presented itself and my partner ended up being the dragon I was attacking and wishing to slay, fast and furiously.

Man, its crazy how the chemistry in our feminine bodies gets out of whack, how the brain and body and hormones combine to make the 'angry stew' I will call it. It was bad. I felt the lump in my throat, my chest collapsing and closing, my mind feeling like sludge and not being able to control my breath-the only think I know that when controlled, I can remain calm and collected.

Needless to say it did not happen. I failed at controlling the beast, the monster being created second by second in my body and persuading me to fight and to fail and to flee.

I was sorry, I needed to escape at that moment, I freaked out hardcore and it was bad. It did not feel real, authentic, or truly honest. I was actually taken over by the darkside I guess you could say and it was not fun.

This isn't the first time, I must say. Its quite sad actually. To know it comes on so fast-first the tiredness, back pain, chocolate cravings, moodiness, and sometimes insomnia a few days before. I ignore my needs-water, exercise, rest. Its like Duh, come on now, do what is smart and simple and you will be fine.

I struggle to control my internal monster and I must accept that. Its okay I tell myself. Just listen to the body, my body. Its when we have true body awareness, we can change within.

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