Thursday, September 11, 2014

challenges

Tonight I came home from work and I was pretty amped up. I really felt my agitation, my energy bordering on that fine line of being contained and spilling out. My symptoms included an increase in volume in my voice (which my partner can spot right away), a bit of pacing around, a lot of diarrhea of the mouth (gossiping, complaining, making huge assumptions about everything and everybody), and an unwillingness to soften. I have been feeling like this for about a week or so now and tonight, I decided to engage my opposite action muscle...so I did. I sat down on my meditation cushion and said, "Just 10 minutes. I am giving myself 10 minutes." And now I am here, sitting, writing, feeling cooled off, collected, and way more grounded.

Wow.

I came out of my sit with my brain and body a little softer, a little more open, a little less agitated. Truly lovely.

I also came out with one of those little insights. I will always be challenged but it doesn't have to be this hard.

I haven't been doing the best job attending to my physical health lately. I haven't been super disciplined with my exercise and physical yoga practice, have been going to bed super late, enjoying more glasses of wine and chocolate than I probably should, and cheese...need I say more about cheese? The same is true for my meditation practice. I have been enjoying sleeping in and not sitting in the mornings and it has really thrown off my game. And I have been judging the hell out of myself.

One of my biggest lessons I took with me into turning 30 was that living in an either/or, black/white world isn't the best place and unfortunately I have been spending way too much time there. So, what now? Well I am declaring that I am giving that sh%* up. Not worth it to judge and hate. Life is constantly ebbing and flowing and that's it. Certain things take up my energy for a certain time and I give my attention and energy to that thing...being 100% present is more important to me than carefully attending to this elusive idea of balance. Sometimes, things go on the back burner and ultimately it comes down to how I want to feel.

So, what now? Well I am not sure. I am just here, living, working, loving, making a difference. I am clear on how I want to feel - Nourished, Vitality, Connected, Grace, Limitless. And that's what matters most, despite the perceived challenges.



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