Tuesday, April 14, 2015

#100daysofjensmusings- Day 9: So Here I Am

So here I am. I put off filing my taxes until the last minute. Kicking myself for that. I am noticing that I am procrastinating more and more lately. What's that about? Perhaps I am craving more spaciousness and downtime and not creating the space in my life to make that happen. I don't believe that laziness is a bad thing at all. As a recovering overachiever/perfectionist/achievement junkie, I have done a lot of work on being okay with open, white space. Yet, I struggle. Struggle like an addict. I think about my dark soul period of my life in college and would think about if I would ever get better. It did. Yet here I am, feeling trapped.

So here I am. I sit here at my writing table and it's past 11pm on a Tuesday night, realizing that the week isn't even half over yet, and I am tired. My body hurts from too much sitting at the computer, my neck and shoulders ache, I feel really stagnant, and am being a moody bitch.

So here I am. Resenting myself and the inner critic in me is nagging about all the ways I am sucking at life right now; not eating super well, not getting enough sleep, not sweating, over-scheduling myself, and I finally came to terms in the shower tonight that I am not operating as my best self. I really had to admit it. Out loud. In the shower. Tears started to stream down my face.

So here I am thinking: What happened to my India glow? That feeling of bliss has just left me like sand running through a child's hand at the beach. Gone. Gone. Gone. For what feels like forever. That sense of spaciousness and ease and feeling light and open...yeah, I want that.

So here I am. Messy, sad, irritable. Holding myself with loving kindness because I know better than to run down that endless, haunted road of self-sabotage. I know better. Hot tea, warm socks, a good book, my bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Every moment a chance to reinvent myself with my breath. Deep breaths. We all have our shadow side but not all of us hold it with tender care, like a baby bird that has fallen from its nest and is completely stunned and traumatized.

So here I am ready. Ready to step into new possibilities and space. To move my body and be intentional. To operate with care and love. To treat myself like the temple I honor every morning called the universe.

So here I am. 

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