I can't seem to articulate where my irritability and general rage at the world is coming from.
Internally, I feel as though a battle is emerging within my innards, a war of sorts. It's an emotional roller coaster right now and the crazy thing about it is that I can't put my finger on why I am so pissed off at life and the world. I had to sit with some pretty tough emotions these past few days, leaning into the uncomfortable, the icky, the disgusting shame I was feeling. I felt as though I was one of those shallow, hot ponds in the Maine woods, full of mud, bugs, and filth. Stinky. As I listened, I was tuning into a deep stagnation within myself. It make sense. That I know.
Stagnant. I get that way. A few too many missed gym days, not hitting my yoga mat for personal practice, and lacking in my laughter. Good, hard belly laughs. So, what do I do to move through it? Well, I get angry with myself, shaming myself for not doing the 'right' things. I shoulda/coulda/woulda. But I know better. That game has no winners. Pure shame.
My husband and I went out for dinner last night. He is my best, most favorite teacher. "Jen, you'll move through it. Be gentle with yourself. It's just a patch," he says.
I am not a fan of the hot yoga world, nor am I devotee of any practice that measures you by how far you can go into a backbend, but here's the deal: I was craving sweat and flow. It's dreary here in the PNW right now. A bit dark. Okay. A LOT dark. So this morning, I packed up my towel and block and strap, pulled on a pair of sweats over some yoga shorts, and drove myself to a Power Vinyasa class. It was like I drank a magic potion or something. I needed to deal with my shit. And that is how I needed to do it. I had to work out my anger, my rage, my annoyance with the mass consumerism around the holiday. I had to leave my homesickness on the mat. I had to let go of "what it should all look like." I had to let my heart open just a little but more for the abundance, gratitude, and joy to slip in, like stealth superheroes being all vigilante and shit. I shed my angry layer. I rinsed off the stagnant pond. And now, I am working again like a tinker toy who got a new and improved battery or operating system.
So what? Well, I am reminded that we can move through anything. We have to get friendly with impermanence and feeling shitty and down sometimes. It moves through us, but we have to know, deep in our hearts, that it's not really about us. It's about being human. And I am pretty sure that the other seven billion hearts in this world feel heavy, sad, and sometimes full of rage. But, if we can, just open up, even a teeny tiny bit more and take a small action, that action can support us in moving through what is there.