Tuesday, May 23, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 50- all the love

I turned 33 today and my birthday was beyond amazing. So much love from so many people in so many different expressions. Flowers and chocolate and cake and beautiful books, stationary, and cards...and the texts and the lovely little shout-outs. It was amazing. It really made my heart swell with so much love. So this post is going to be short because reveling in the love is what it's all about.

Image result for loving kindnessI taught a yoga class this afternoon to a group of mental health counselors I have been working with for almost two years on a monthly basis. It brings me so much joy to share the practices of yoga with this group. Today, we spent a good chunk of time sitting in meditation practicing metta, loving-kindness meditation. I asked them to picture their hearts being bathed in sweet, bright light, the light symbolizing all their true-nature qualities; joy, happiness, compassion, love, kindness, self-expression, creativity.

The format I use is borrowed from Sharon Salzberg, a well-known Buddhist teacher and the practice that most resonates with me. It continues to be an anchor meditation in my own personal practice.

May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be happy.
May I live with ease. 

This meditation can be expanded beyond the "I," and expressing the intentions to our loved ones, our community, our colleagues, and individuals we have challenges with. There is so much power in this practice, even if it is simply taking our hands to our hearts for five minutes and breathing into our heart space.

We need as much love as we can get. My invitation to you is just that: find all the love possible.

Monday, May 22, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 49- seeing the love

Image result for cartoon holding hands
Okay. I have to admit something. I love watching people having public displays of affection. I know. It sounds voyeuristic and weird and creepy, but it's not what you're thinking. I love seeing people being in love. For example, I was coming out of the gym this morning and across the street was a couple. The woman was loading up her car for what looked like a commute of some sort and her sweetie was out on the street with her. They took a moment to embrace, kiss, hug, and say goodbye. I could see both their eyes twinkle, their bodies relax, and happiness flood their systems.

On my way to teaching yoga class, I saw a similar interaction with a couple waiting to cross the street. They were kissing each other. It was adorable.

For me, I have to try pretty hard to find the joy. Dealing with depression can sometimes suck the joy right outta life and moments that bring me back to remembering joy are moments to be cherished. I am a firm believer in always saying goodbye to The Man in the morning. Like, really saying goodbye. I look him in the eye, give him a great big monkey hug, and a smooch.

Every. Damn. Day.

Why? It's important to me that every opportunity I get to express love, I take advantage of. Seeing the love out in the world reminds us to come back to loving ourselves as well. That we're not in this crazy world alone. Whether we want to embrace the idea of common & shared humanity, or walk on the path with our partner, we're in this thing called life together, all doing the best we can, trying to be happy.

So, whether it's a kiss before you leave for work, or offering a cool drink to your sweetie when they come home from work, or offering to water the garden after they have had a rough day at the office, we must do everything we can to show our love. Don't hold back.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 48- the disco-ball in my head & the cave in my heart

Image result for disco ball

I just finished three days of an intensive yoga workshop on Yoga for Anxiety & Depression. It turned out to really be yoga for emotional health, and it was amazing. It's funny how the universe gets you to exactly where you need to be when you need it. In our closing meditation, we were asked to visualize a cave in our hearts, one that we could enter, one that housed an altar and provided clear access to beams of light from the center of our skull. I was picturing this hobbit-esque cozy cave with a little fire and a pot of soup which was deeply comforting. I was also picturing a rockin' disco-ball in the center of my skull, shooting out beautiful spectrum and beams of light down through my center channel and into my heart. It was mindblowing.

Now, it's the end of the weekend, time is precious. There are dishes piled in the sink, I just finished watering the garden, and don't feel super ready for the week ahead. But guess what? All of that is petty stuff. No need to create anxiety for any of that. I can breathe, recognize that I am all light and love, and move through whatever is in front of me with freedom, grace, and ease.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 47- the sun & doing less

It has felt like a looooooong winter. Oh wait, it has been a long winter. The grey skies, the immense amount of rain, and just blech. This weekend though, the cycle has been broken. It is sunny & warm. I am so grateful for this because this weather helps us sink into spaciousness and the theme of doing less. We ate lunch in the park today in between my yoga workshop sessions and it was so nice to be outside, barefeet, eating lunch, with the sun beating down on my face.

The Man and I started talking about our dreams and wishes for the summer. More hikes, more hanging out, more outside time, a puppy, enjoying our garden, and just being. This whole idea of doing less resonates so deeply with me as I get older. Less pushing, more being. So, that's my overarching theme for the summer ahead: do less.


Friday, May 19, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 46- what I am loving right now

Image result for i heart

It's always a great reminder for me to articulate what I am loving in the moment. It keeps joy actively present and that's so good on so many levels. So here it is:

I am loving prioritizing sleep, which includes not setting the alarm on Sundays, clocking 8+ hours on week nights, and not feeling bad about either.
I am loving minimalism. I have been on a tirade to get rid of material possessions that no longer serve me or bring me joy. It has decreased my stress levels and created more spaciousness at home.
I am loving Bulletproof Coffee. Butter, MCT oil, and organic coffee from Maine all blended together has been such a treat and has kicked me into high octane gear.
I am loving Dan Harris' 10% Happier podcast. 
I am loving the extra daylight, the sunshine, and being able to wake up with the sun in my window. Game changer.
I am loving being back on my meditation cushion again in the mornings. Deep breaths set me up for success. 
I am loving my 100 day writing project.
I am loving carpooling with The Man one day a week. That extra time we get to spend together is such a treat for me and the fact that we are doing a little bit for mother earth is such a bonus.
I am loving setting some time aside on Sunday afternoons/evenings to plan my week, set goals, and schedule in my self-care.
I am loving teaching yoga. Rocket fuel for my soul.
I am loving garden dates during the week with The Man. Digging in the dirt is the best therapy ever.
I am loving spin classes and yoga classes on the weekend.
I am loving the time to be with friends, like really be with them. 
I am loving my acupuncture and massage treatments. Another game changer.

By capturing all of these 'loves,' I can embody gratitude at the deepest level of my core. Most of these things are experiences and not things at all. My loves revolve around quality time and self-care, reminding me of my values, priorities, and joy.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 45- viruses & body barometer

We went to the Puget Sound Dahlia Association meeting tonight and learned about viruses. There is some fascinating research being done over at WSU around dahlia viruses; how dahlias contract the virus, how the virus presents, and how it may be possible to have clean stocks. We learned about the many different types of viruses, and how some theories point to the fact that all dahlias have a section of the virus coding in the genes, and it just takes time and chance for the virus to present itself to the human eye.

I found the whole talk fascinating, of course. And here's why.

Image result for diseased dahlia plant
A diseased Dahlia with a virus of some kind. 
Plants are like humans. We can simply look at plants and learn about ourselves, our bodies, and how stress can take us down. Fast. Viruses, pests, and disease look for "run down" plants that are under stress. It could be lack of water, sun, and/or nutrition. It also could be that a virus is just stronger than the plant.

Currently, in this moment, I am feelinga  bit run down. My nutrition and hydration haven't been up to par, I have been pushing a little too much, and self-care has taken a back seat, at least for the past few days. As I have mentioned before, my body is my barometer. It talks to me and I feel like it's screaming. I have a neck flare up happening at the moment, and can barely keep my eyes open. So, I am going to make this short. Bodies talk. We have to stop, listen, and look oh so carefully. It's easy to plow through, because that's what most of us are conditioned to do.

They also say to take your virused plants and put them right into the trash, not compost. You don't want that shit to spread, like stress, disease, and bad energy.

I will curl up now with my hot cup of tea, my book, and plan to sleep in just a wee bit before my morning massage tomorrow. I am smiling and I am grateful for this barometer of a body.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 44- passages

In my meditation space, I have a collection of inspiring spiritual literature. It ranges from Zen Buddhism, to positive affirmations, to Tantric wisdom and everything in between. I let my intuition guide me in what I open, some days opening nothing and just sitting and breathing. Some days, I thump through pages, waiting to land on a passage that somehow is always relevant. I love this part of my practice. As an avid reader, words on a page are nourishing, supportive, and always seem to find a way to my heart. Today's passage from 365 Tao was potent to say the least.

Healing takes time. It's a process. Challenging situations are impermanent. Trust that all will work itself out. Destruction and healing are cyclical and necessary, not only to maintain balance, but for our own growth. Deep breath. We'll all get there, in either this lifetime or another.




Tuesday, May 16, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 43- the lover and the fighter

Learning to love each part of myself is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn. For the past year, I have been on a personal journey. A journey in which I have become more intimate than ever with the shadow side and the light side of my being. This journey has taken me to the depths of my sadness, my anger, my self-hatred at times, and my self-doubt. It has also taken me to the places where I find immense and infinite amounts of self-compassion, joy, happiness, laughter, and love.

Image result for partsI have arrived at the conclusion that we are all just many parts and to get angry or resentful of these parts causes a lot of trouble. We get into the trap, the infamous loop of being angry about our fearful part or getting sad about our shy part. Is there room for tenderness? Yes, I believe there is.

One of my Buddhist teachers introduced me to this whole theory. It's based in the Internal Family Systems model. Mary-Anne Johnston, a Jungian Analyst, gives a really great description of the parts theory.

In the course of a day, many of us may think, for example, ‘a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants just the opposite’. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict or ‘stuckness’. Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. In a healthy personality, there is a fluid shifting from one part to another depending on what approach is needed, what is appropriate, or what is necessary under the particular circumstances.

Often, some of us feel stuck. We feel like we have run out of solutions. We don’t know how to move forward. In other words, our usual approach doesn’t work anymore. We may have difficulties with a partner,or we may feel as if something is ‘missing’ in our life, or we may feel depressed. Most of us have, over time, become dominated by a few strong parts that ‘run the show’ pretty successfully.

I can love the fighter and fight the lover. They are just parts, they are just pieces of the self. I get a lot of relief from this theory as it helps me approach the nuances within with a bit more compassion, love, and lightness. 

Monday, May 15, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 42- how building a wall can be a good thing

Tonight, I had my students bring their yoga mats to the wall for 50 minutes of asana using the wall. It's rare we get the opportunity to make our way to the edges of the room and spread out, but tonight, the class was small enough so that we could expand out and get playful. As I led the group through multiple poses and shapes, I used the wall for key support for spines, legs, and shoulders. I am always struck by how coming to the wall can create immense amounts of ease in the body, the nervous system, and our musculature. I remember in yoga teacher training we talked about floors and walls serving as these amazing props for people. Yet, I know in my own practice, I resist the support...I muscle my way through.
Image result for legs up the wall pose stick figure
Watching people on the wall created a unified sense of stability. I saw people sink into poses, strengthen faster, and access their inner power a lot faster than without the wall. It was a rich reminder to me that building walls can be forms of support, instead of a blockade from the outside world. Walls can be fluid forces, showing up when needed, just to give us an extra lift in turbulent times. Coming to the wall can support our heart expanding and lifting up and open, collarbones wide. I saw my students accessing support and my hope is that they remember how vital it is to have these supportive pillars in our lives, whether it comes in the form of healthy food, time outside, valuable and rich livelihood, good friends and family, and self-compassion. 

Yes, of course we can build walls that keep people out, but I like the version and model that I am building. Walls that can keep us stable and strong in the most turbulent of waters and forces.  

Sunday, May 14, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 41- in bloom

For Mother's Day, we took my mum-in-law down to the Pike Place Market for the Flower Festival. It was the first time in my almost ten years of living in Seattle that I ventured to Pike Place on Mother's Day. Typically, crowds have a tendency to drain my energy and deplete me, but today was different. I was energized, enjoying every minute of it. I loved spending time with my sweetie and my mum-in-law and adventuring through the market.

Of course, the flowers were absolutely stunning. It was amazing to see all the farm stalls and the buckets of colorful flowers in bloom. It had me reflecting on this time of year and the blooming that happens. Creativity, innovation, love, and energy are the themes at the forefront of the season. As I get older, I realize that life has cycles, seasons, and rhythms and the more I fight the cycles, season, and rhythms, the more suffering I create. I am way more knowledgeable about my own moon cycle and moon time now more than ever. I don't push super hard in the fall and winter, and I am reminded that when I eat by the seasons, I feel a hell of a lot better.

So, back to the flowers. The beautiful, blooming, colorful flowers. They reminded me of my own blooming right now. I am working on some really exciting work projects, my yoga teaching has ramped up, I am volunteering on a grant review committee, and tending my garden and home, as the summer approaches. The weekends are a lot more social, which is exciting, and I am motivated to go out and have local adventures in the evenings again. My energy has an expansive quality to it and I am really grateful.

AND...

I am still very present to not depleting myself, getting resentful, or worn out beyond exhaustion. Alignment is also a theme that comes to mind. Our values + our priorities + our actions = alignment.
As the blooms show us, this time is precious, important, and all of our energy must go towards that which is more important to us.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 39 & 40- downshifting

I skipped writing yesterday and I almost wanted to skip again today. The past three days have been chock full of really fun adventures. I was also in two full days of all staff training on Undoing Institutional Racism. We also have a friend in town, and are celebrating a birthday and Mother's day as well. I made it a point to get to yoga this morning and also call my mom. Needless to say, it has been a full few days but all of it is so good. So juicy. It has all made my heart warm.

For the past couple months, my "life pace" has significantly downshifted. I have made it a point to not schedule myself back to back to back, running ragged and rushing. Part of my downshifting was forced, healing from injuries but it also was because I began to look closely at my life, my priorities, and what matters. For me, I have been pruning away the things that really don't matter. It was tough at first, but now I am super clear on what's a "yes," and what is a "no."

My body does feel tired, a little run down, but it's just information. I treat my body now like a barometer, letting it inform me of what I need to take on and what I need to let go of, when I need to rest, and when I can push a little longer.

Over the past couple days, I have been reflecting on what does matter in the current moment:
...spending quality time with the people I love, including my Seattle family, The Man, and my friends
...taking the time to connect with my family who lives far away, whether it's a text or a phone call
...taking advantage of rich experiences, like hearing my favorite author read from her latest book
...using public transit every now and then, and getting some long walks in
...ditching the dishes, pikes of laundry, and list of chores and choosing a 90 minute yoga class instead
...date night over surfing Facebook
...visiting friends who are going through tough times versus running endless errands
...time out in my garden, planting and digging in the dirt
...sitting and breathing

The ripple effects of downshifting are astonishing and I notice it more than ever when I am pushed into the "being busy" space. And I am constantly reminded that I have choice and that is the biggest thing that matters.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 38- holding my breath

Recently, I have been doing this thing with my breath at the top of the inhale. I hold it. Then I notice I am holding it, and I let it go, but it's a little too late. Not only has this been creating a lot of internal tension in my body, especially my upper back, neck, ribs, and shoulders, but it has been a steady ingredient in my recipe of anxiety.

I started noticing it mainly at work in the mid-afternoons, when I start to realize that I have come up short in my goals or feeling like I haven't gotten enough done. I also notice it in meetings and challenging conversations. I also notice it's been happening in traffic, and on the massage treatment table. I literally stop breathing. I am holding on, bracing, armoring up, putting up a protective sheath with my energetic and breathing body. My good friend told me that my awareness is the first step in the unraveling of this response.

Unraveling. I love that word. I really love that word. A lot.

I crave unraveling. I crave spreading out and expanding, loosening up, Not gripping so hard. I read somewhere that the skills we learn in our first half of our lives are survival skills and in our second half of our life, we realize these skills don't serve us. Yep, makes sense.

The armoring up, the bracing, the deep protective nature I so intimately know has started to take its toll on me, my body, and my life. Slowly, but surely, like a big ball of string that is tangled, I am delicately unraveling. One day at a time. Some days are easier. Some days feel really hard. Some days require copious amounts of chocolate, wine, cheese, and hugs. And some days feel glorious.

Holding my breath is my lesson at the moment. It's my mindfulness practice. There is nothing to solve here, nothing to see, really. It's just my breath and me, hanging out in this space called life doing the best we can, moment by moment, and unraveling one day at a time.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 37- sitting practice, part I

Like many practitioners of meditation, I have a love/hate relationship with my sitting practice. I go through phases...the hardcore phase and the neglect phase. Recently, I have been in neglect phase. Looking at my cushion and altar every damn day and walking away. Sometimes I stand looking at the cushion with my hands on my hips and take a deep breath. Actually, it's more like a sigh of disappointment, mostly in my self, not my green zafu and statue of Ganesh and my salt lamp. Sitting practice for me is flossing my mind. It keeps my clean, stable, soft, and strong, all at the same time.
Sometimes inspiration wanes, but that's not the point of meditation for me...I don't sit because it's inspiring. I sit so I can know myself better, cultivate self-awareness, get to know my hooks and triggers, and to soften my heart just a wee bit more.

I stumbled upon meditation in my early teens, reading a book my mom had by Tich Naht Hanh about mindfulness. It was then I started sitting in my room, lotus pose and all (I was a heck of a lot more flexible then), closed my eyes, and took deep breaths. I would time myself. It became a game. And then I would go outside and play or head to soccer practice, or do my geometry homework. I wasn't resistant. I was highly curious and playful.

Fast forward to today. I have been neglecting my sitting meditation practice big time. Super resistant. Super uninspired, despite that not being the point. But tonight I sat. I did in fact get some inspiration from a podcast in which Sharon Salzberg was interviewed. She brought up the practice of metta, or loving-kindness meditation. It's about sending loving-kindness to self, others, and all creatures & beings, even creatures you have difficulties with. Over time, one can start to exprience great tenderness, compassion, and love.

For today, it feels accessible. A fifteen minute sit. I am a tad more curious and a little less resistant. Here's what I know though: there is power in just sitting my ass down. And if I give up all my stories around what it's supposed to feel like, look like, and be like, I might just get inspired, even though that's not the point. Ha!

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 36- getting 29 dahlias into the ground

Tonight was the night. The air was perfect. The sun had been shining all day. It was warm. The perfect conditions for dahlia planting. I had been starting 29 dahlias inside our house...new varieties I picked up from the Puget Sound Dahlia Association this year based on my wish list after the August show last year. It was time to bring them outside.

As a grower, you live by the seasons a lot more than living by the typical calendar. You notice the sun and temps more than the date and the clock. I am super inspired by the Greeks and how they classify time; Chronos and Kairos. When I am in the garden, I am in total Kairos...not a care in the world, just working at a sustainable pace and when I feel done, I am done. Gardening has taught me a lot about the process versus the product. Things are always in stages. Plants teach you that. I find the planting of the plants to be super meditative, relaxing, and a time out from the craziness. Being outside with my hands in the dirt is one of the greatest things on earth to experience.

A blank canvas of soil
ready for the 29 dahlia tubers
Back to dahlias. Typically, Mother's Day is a good milestone on the calendar to plant dahlia tubers in the ground. The soil is usually at a good temperature and the chance for frost is slim to none. I am never on time, but this year I was committed. I want everything in the ground by Mother's Day Sunday. The reason for this? I want to enjoy the heck out of my garden this year. Maybe even host a dahlia party at the end of the summer.

I plant a lot of tubers, but this year I am being more intentional. I am grateful to have The Man's analytical brain for the details, the measurements, and the intricate nature of planting, fertilizing, and gridding out the raised beds so I can fit plenty of tubers. Tonight was gardening night. I came home, ditched my work clothes, filled up my water bottle, put on my garden shoes and hat, and went to work. Five hours later, one raised bed is completely planted. 29 dahlias are in their new home ready to grow and be beautiful. I still have another raised bed to plant but again, it's work that doesn't feel like work and I am beyond grateful to have something like that in my life.


Monday, May 8, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 35- on noticing & feeling the joy

One of my most cherished memories is when my brother and I went to Vancouver, B.C. on the train from Seattle. We took a day trip together when he came and visited me in the PNW. We had a blast exploring Vancouver on foot. I think we walked a crazy amount of miles, ate delicious food, and explored shops and neighborhoods. What I remember about the train was how the perspective you get looking out the window is like  nothing else. It's so much different than a plane, a ferry, or even a car. It's a consistent flying by in which what you see trickles through your view, like grains of sand slipping through your finger tips. 

I was reminded of this moment when I was sitting at a red light by my office. The light had just turned red and I was behind the first car at the light. Normally, I would just zone out, changing the radio station or fumbling with my bag or taking a sip of hot tea from my travel mug. Today though, I simply turned my head and I saw a man with a young child in his arms. And there was so much joy. So much joy. She had to have been two or three years old. Clearly she was laughing and totally enamored with him, putting her tiny hands all over his face. He was carrying a tiny pink backpack, clearly hers, and they were happy as clams. 

After getting home from work, I went into our office to drop my bags, and I looked out the window at our neighbors deck. I saw a beautiful, new, glass wind-chime they had hung. The light had caught it just right and I could hear the chime through the open window. It was a lovely reminder to stop, pause, and recognize the beauty. 

When The Man got home tonight, I wrapped my arms around him like I usually do, but really hugged him. I was present in the hug, feeling his broad shoulders, the weight of his torso, and his strength, almost like he could scoop me up and carry me off into the sunset. I took a deep breath and realized that being with him is being home. 

These three little pieces of my day lasted no more than a minute or so, but they made me realize that I must notice. I must do a better job, wait, I want to do a better job, of noticing. Of being aware. Of keeping my eyes up and heart open. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 34- sunday & my grateful note

It's almost 10pm on Sunday night and I have been going nonstop since 8am this morning. I went to spin class, came home, talked with my mom, had brunch, planned the week with the man, took a shower, ran errands, cooked a big pot of split pea soup, talked with my dad, did dishes, planted some plants in the garden along with some yard work, we prepped dinner, ate dinner, did more dishes, packed away leftovers for the week, vacuumed the house, and wrote some cards out for Mother's Day. WTF?! 

Image result for gratitude

Sundays are meant to be my unplug day, with lots of downtime, but it's all good. We have a couple busy weeks coming up which will make us MIA at our house, so it's about getting out butts in gear, finishing some nagging tasks, and then coasting this summer so we can enjoy being on our deck, sipping our fancy drinks, and chatting and laughing with friends or going on hikes, seeing concerts in the park or grilling yummy food.

At our dinner table, we try to always share our gratefuls, expressing what we're grateful for that day. It can be anything. Tonight, I shared how I am grateful for the ability to go with the flow. I didn't get everything done on my list, I didn't get a ton of downtime, I didn't make it to yoga, but I went with it, knowing that tomorrow is a new day, another start to another week with lots of space to rest and take it easy when needed. For that, I am so very grateful.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 33- my heart is calling for the outdoors

For the past nine months, I have been participating in a really inspiring and deeply nourishing leadership program though the Center for Courage & Renewal, a nonprofit that focuses on bringing the teachings and works of Parker Palmer to social impact leaders, teachers, and individuals looking to meld their vocation with their hearts, their spiritual selves, and the cycles of the seasons. I have been learning so much and diving deeper into the big questions around who I am, what my values are, and how my daily actions and choices align with my intentions. Part of the program requires each individual to be in a smaller leadership circle that meets monthly to talk through all of these questions. I am lucky to have three other women join me every month for this. Last night, we met and I had a pretty big Ah Ha moment in which I heard my heart call for the outdoors. 

Nature and being outside has always been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Swinging on my swing-set and playing in my sandbox and running around in the backyard were just part of daily life as a tiny person. I remember so many family hikes, weekend backpacking trips, and building snow forts on snow days. I remember riding my bike out to Hotel Road in Auburn, Maine and taking walks after dinner with my mom. Summers were filled with beach trips and trips to the lake, swimming and reading on my beach towel. I think I spent more time outside than inside growing up. 

Last night in circle I realized how being outdoors is ESSENTIAL to my heart, my soul, the places deep within that fuel my work and my zest for life. I get quite cranky without the air and realized in my sharing that I need to sprinkle in more of that time on a daily basis. So, more walks during the work week, continuing my garden time, and sitting in my chair in the morning on my deck with my tea to watch the birds. It has to be a daily practice and I want it to be. 

Friday, May 5, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 32- insomnia

Last night was brutal. I had terrible insomnia, a bit of anxiety, and couldn't shut my brain off. Every so often, I have a night like that. I used to beat myself up for it, but then I arrived at a place of tenderness, the need to be gentle when I have rough nights, because, well, I'm human. And things don't always work out the way we want them to. I used to get super attached to what my self-care looked and felt like. I was living and practicing my self-care as though there was some gold star and when I strayed from the routine, I deserved to be punished, by myself of course. Anyway, insomnia is sucky and I am sitting here writing, craving sleep, wanting to curl up and travel to dream land, so that's what I am going to do...honor the need and taking active care of myself.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 31- inviting anger to the table

I've been in a long-term relationship. It's had it's ups and downs, the peaks and valleys. It has scared me silly sometimes. This relationship has destroyed things and also left me with newfound wisdom and self-awareness, deep self-compassion, and faith.

It has been my relationship with anger.

Image result for stormI have been spending some time getting to know anger more. Getting intimate with the pressure cooker feeling that arises inside of me, a feeling like I am living on a precarious edge of control and being out of control. I have experience the storm called rage, in which I am left exhausted, depleted, worn out, and feeling like a muddy puddle, confused and unclear.

There's no right or wrong in this. That's where I have arrived at in my own learning. I can feel the anger, but like any storm, it passes, and can I stay with it? Can I stay in the dark, scary, turbulent waters, knowing there is relief on the other side? Can I call in my knowledge of the Buddha's four noble truths...suffering is part of life and why we suffer is because we're attached. Ahhhh...yes. That wisdom. I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said it gets easier over time. I still feel the visceral response in my blood and veins and bones when I am angry. But now, I just invite that part to the table instead of shutting the door in her face.

Anger can coexist with tenderness. Or at least that's my learning right now. I don't have the answer, but what I know to be true in this lifetime, or at least for today, is that I am stronger because of my anger. More vulnerable because of my anger. More tender and compassionate because of my anger.

Let your anger serve you rather than destroy you. It's quite possible, especially as we hold the truth that there is room for everyone, all the feelings, and all the suffering.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 30- love is a garden

In the garden this afternoon, I spent a good chunk of time transplanting my strawberry plants out of their winter containers and into the raised bed. It's a somewhat tedious process, digging them out, being careful not to shock the roots. It takes delicate patience, a skill I struggle to embrace. I like to get shit done, move branches, throw yards of soil around, but every so often, a task in the garden requires some of the delicate, fine motor skills and I surrender.

It starts off challenging, trying to get all my tools and system in place, the bin for the dead compost, moving the thorny branches aside that I have in my edible bed so that the outdoor kitties don't do their business in my plants, and getting a good radio station on my portable radio. I have to use my hori-hori to separate the plants, being tender with every manipulation of these fresh, young roots. It's frustrating at times. I feel my wrist start to ache, my lower back scream out, "WHY!!!???!!!"

But then, I find my rhythm and get into the groove...digging up, transporting over, digging the holes, placing the plants down, filling in with soil, repeat. Over and over and over. And then a magical thing happens. I finish. I stand back, look at how much I have accomplished and feel satisfied. My knees and arms and hands are caked in dirt. I am sore, sweaty, and tired. I feel my heart swell with warmth. I did this. I am building my life in this garden. I learn the skills of patience and love and respect and more patience. It's a pause in the action, a chance to commune with that which is bigger than me. I feel expansion.

I pack up my tools, water the newly transplanted plants, and head inside for a shower without out the light on. I scrub my fingernails and my knees and I breathe. I let go of all the worry, the stress, the self-doubt. We go and grab Vietnamese food...it's late and the food is light. I come home, my belly happy, my heart full, ready for another afternoon of learning about the qualities I can learn...the patience, the love, the kindness, the ability to be gentle with myself and with my life and with others.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 29- filling the brita

Image result for brita filterWe have a Brita filter on our counter with room temperature water in it. It's from when I lived alone and had one. The Man has a much larger Brita filter that lives in the fridge with icy cold water which is not my style. So when I moved in, I brought my Brita and it camps out by my electric kettle and the toaster. But here's the thing about the Brita. I have the hardest time filling it when it's empty. i use it up, rush out the door or to the table to eat, and then lo and behold, one of us goes to get some water and the thing is empty. I have lived in the house for almost 6 years and it has happened from day one.

Why, why, why, why? It causes a lot of scuffles.

I guess I just hate to wait. It takes some time to fill it up; turning on the faucet, letting the water filter through, and the refilling it enough so there's a surplus. This whole process makes me impatient and cranky and I finally put my finger on it. I am a 'rusher' by nature. It's tough to slow down. To take breaths, to pause and rest. It has always been a challenge for me.

So tonight, I went ahead and di my thing again, emtyping it out into the electric kettle for tea and didn't fill it up. The Man said something to me along the lines of "Are you going to fill up the Brita?" to which I replied, "Oh yeah. That's right." So I am committing. Committing to a pause in the action. There is plenty of time and plenty of room for the rest and the pause. There is nothing to argue in regards to that. But I have to want the rest, the pause, the breath. And I do. I get it now.

Monday, May 1, 2017

#100daysofwriting: day 28- celebration

I just got home after celebrating 30 amazing entrepreneurs completing their business training at Ventures, the nonprofit I work for. I always walk away from those evenings inspired, motivated, and enthralled with every one of the businesses. Tonight, as I drove home, I got thinking about celebration. When I was experiencing my dark knight of the soul in my early twenties, I wanted nothing to do with celebration. For me at that moment in time, celebration was for people who were happy. I was lucky if I showered and was in class on time. (I guess that was something to be celebrated too.) Anyway, celebration. We need more of it, but it's a fine balance. Too much celebration causes the dilution effect, watering down the significance. Not enough causes us to feel like we are spinning our wheels and working too hard in the world. This leaves us in the place of celebrating what matters to us. Aligning our celebrations to our own lives, our own values. It brings up conversations around religion, obligation, and holidays. At the end of the day though, we get to choose. So tonight's post is short. My insight here is that celebration is good for us and it takes many forms; the high five with a colleague, the sharing of delicious food and sparkly beverages on a birthday, the kiss after making it home from a long day, the lighting of a candle at dinner to acknowledge gratitude. All of it is celebratory.